Hi. Man.. I don’t know where to start.. I have so many questions yet I keep forgetting them. So I started writing this 19:31 European time, I’m going to keep up the time and questions I have for you right now. There are going to be a lot of pauses, luckily, you wont have to wait on them (: 19:37 I don’t know where to start. I’ll start with a little background information. I have moved from home to home 14 times, back and forward to relatives from the day I was born, and eventually ended up in a foster home, and now, living with my boyfriend. There is really so much I don’t even know where to start.. although I want to be as detailed as possible, I’m not sure if I’m going to be able to provide you all the details and I’ll probably get tangled up in everything. I only want to ask you a few questions regarding this disorder and if it’s applicable to me. I have been diagnosed with a mild borderline personality disorder, “adhd”, dysthymia and apparently, dissociative disorder (I probably have an eating disorder too, but not many people have found out about me not eating right). I have been in therapy for 1 year now with an awesome psychotherapist who has made so many things clear for me, but I’m still dazzled and confused (ironically) regarding this disorder. Since I was a child, I could either pay attention really well, or never knowing what was going on. I felt like I didn’t exist, and even feeling like I couldn’t feel like I didn’t exist. Never had my own opinion because I never gave things much thought. I might have been a happy, naive child that drifted away sometimes. When things really started to get bad, I was about 14/15, went goth and thought this whole new world that had opened up for me, was “it”. I now know everything. I didn’t go to school anymore, got addicted to the computer (I mean being awake for 3 days straight only leaving the pc when I needed to use the bathroom) got rebellious, got a “boyfriend” who was 28, got raped by him, and thought it was normal. I didn’t know what normal was. Couple of events later, I got into a foster home, where I had no rights to self expression and I was forced to go to church (I had bad experiences with religion). I was completely shut down and scared of my foster mother because her will was always way. She tried finding disorders in me so she could get the financial benefits from it. She eventually came up with adhd, and started giving me ritalin before the diagnose was even official. It seemed right to me at the time, symptoms matched like going to school on my bike, and returning FIVE times because I forgot something (keys, lunch, jacket etc.) now makes me think it was because I was dissociative. Concentrating in class was hard, even though I was bright and very intelligent, I went to a Lower Vocational school because I just couldn’t focus and drifted off. But anyway, I want to know if I actually have this disorder, and I want to find out more about myself, so I’ll give some symptoms of which I think could be linked to this dissociative disorder. I have this thing, where I become a totally different person after I’ve watched a movie. I become the main character and that lasts for a few hours and my surroundings start to make me realise I’m just me again. I hop from interest to interest because I can’t focus longer on a subject than an x period of time. Right now I’m into cacti, and I’m spending money and time on buying them, pinning them on pinterest, reblogging them on tumblr and even growing them in a couple of weeks when my seeds finally arrive. I have become a cactus expert, even though I never had any interest in cacti before this switch.. it may sound normal, but it happens to me a lot. Before this I collected maneki neko’s, before that VHS tapes, before that Yarn.. I would just collect the yarn, knitting small things, giving up but if I’d see some yarn I’d like in the store I would just buy even when I have so many yarn already. I collect teabags, pop tabs, strangers photobooth photo’s, earrings, veggie seeds, plastic bottle caps, cat items.. the list goes on and on and on. I am the collector of collections, and a hoarder. Each phase gives me some sort of comfort. I would have what I would like, and I would do what I’d like, and it would be like little highlights of my day, and since I’m unemployed and honestly not capable of maintaining a job longer than 2 weeks, I really need these little obsessions to get the through what ever it is I’m going through. I sometimes have blackouts, for example, I would go upstairs, and forget why I went there, or how I got there. I could get triggered by something really small, and I would change from sad to angry in 2 seconds (that could be the mild borderline personality disorder) calling people names, arguing and fighting with them, and not remember anything I said to them the next day. I know I had the fight, I just completely shut down and let an angrier side of me take over.. that same side that hurts me, cuts me and slams me in the face until my cheek turns blue etc.. after seeing a lot of clips on youtube on the dissociative identity disorder, it made me wonder if I had it. I thought it was only about staring at the air when you get hard questions while you’re at therapy and such. That’s why my psychotherapist said I was dissociative. But do I actually have the disorder, or are is the borderline the blame for multiple “moods/people” I can have/become? Since I can remember my abuse quite vividly, my body memory is to panic when I lay on my back. When I am indeed, asked a hard question I can either talk about it very clearly, or say nothing at all and completely shut down. When I feel like being clear (like now) I feel like my brain is in overdrive, on one side that’s a good thing, because it get things done, on the other, it’s very tiresome, and I’m already yawning of only writing this text and not doing anything else today. I have way more things in my head that wont come out now, but I’m kind of sick of writing. I hope you wont get sick of reading :p I hope you can answer my question. Do I actually have this disorder, or do I have a combination of crap which makes it look like I do? Thank you for your time, and sorry for any spelling mistakes.
And that’s exactly why you framed him and made it look like he did it. A much better deal then say, DIVORCE, RIGHT COURTNEY? - Fucking Christ! The fact that Courtney Love is proud of this quote.. The fact that she even said it!.. The fact that she continues to exploit the shit out of him, re-create a history with oozing drama, flat out lies and pounds of flattery just so she can cash in and stay in the press- It’s repulsive. She legitimately has no dignity or respect for other people. I’m not a violent person, but if I had the chance to beat the shit out of her, I would probably enjoy it immensely.
“I just don’t understand it. I’ve never really tried to do anything ‘scandalous’ in my life and I just can’t help to want to beat them to their death. I’m a firm believer in revenge, and that there’s a time and place for violence. I mean obviously I have a lot to lose right now and I won’t do it, but I have all the rest of my life. Before I die, many will die with me, and they will deserve it. See you in hell.”
Kurt Cobain didn’t appreciate how the press relished in scandals about his personal life. He hated journalists like Charles Cross and he continues to be exploited by Courtney Love. It’s fucking gross.